Fellow blogger Colleen over at MommieDaze posted about an interesting conversation with a woman she had met just five minutes earlier. This woman confessed to these strangers that she married a man who reluctantly agreed to one child with her knowing that she wanted more than one, assuming she could “talk him into” having more kids. Go here to read the details!
Colleen posed some interesting questions at the end of her post, which I was planning to answer in her comments. But when I saw how long winded and passionate I was getting, and how long it’s been since I’ve blogged, I figured I’d better make it my own blog post.
Q: Did she wait too long to start thinking about a family? Should she have prioritized that over career sooner?
No one can say that she did or didn’t wait too long, since it’s such a personal decision. But life is about choices, and when you open some doors, you close others. That’s reality – and why it’s important to plan for the big stuff.
Q: If she’d started looking for a husband sooner, would she have found a more compatible Mr. Right?
I don’t know that it’s a timing issue as much as a priority issue. My parents were both teachers, and nearly all of my grandparents had college degrees, so I was late into high school before I realized that not every kid goes to college. (Yes, really!) Therefore, in my head, all my studies were to prepare me for college and the life beyond.
In much the same way, I always assumed I would get married. Therefore, dating was a way to learn more about people and help me figure out what characteristics I wanted and didn’t want in a man (versus just a way to have fun).
If you don’t get serious about college until senior year, how prepared are you? If you don’t think about serious relationships and what it takes to have one – and keep one – until you are late into your childbearing years…
Q: Did she settle by marrying presumably the first guy that came along?
That question assumes a lot. I don’t know that he was the first guy who came along. But it DOES look like she focused on her goal of “getting married” without thinking through what it takes to STAY married.
Q: Should she have waited for the guy who wanted as many children as she, or was it right for her to heed the ticking of her biological clock and cut this deal with him?
She didn’t cut a deal, really; she went into the marriage dishonestly. She makes it clear that he said one, she agreed on the surface knowing she didn’t agree in her heart, and thought she would or could change him – a sure recipe for disaster. I see divorce or at least great unhappiness in their future. I would also venture to say that she is insecure and immature. Insecure because she didn’t respect herself enough to keep looking for someone with her same goals and immature for thinking she could change someone to be the way she wanted him to be.
Q: What if she did wait, and never found Mr. Right, and never had a family at all?
There are far more ways to have a family than marrying and having a child. I honestly believe not everyone who can SHOULD have a child.
Q: What about her plan to “talk him into more”, which in girl speak usually translates to manipulate?
Yeah, I think I made my feelings on that point perfectly clear. (-:
Q: I’m not judging her choices…
Sure you are. We all are. It’s human. And we are all judged by OUR choices every day. Our choices reflect our priorities, and therefore shed honest light on who we are inside.
…I just think it’s an interesting example of what today’s woman is faced with. Do you try to have it all? Do you have to make a choice between career and family? What do you do if your biological clock is a ticking time bomb and you haven’t found Prince Charming yet?
It’s not just today’s women who are faced with those choices. Women have ALWAYS been faced with those choices throughout history. It’s just easier to carve one’s own path nowadays. (-:
Yes, I try to have it all. And I believe I CAN have it all, but not at the same time. (-: Choices.
Yes, you have to make a choice between career and family. Sometimes career will win, sometimes family will win. It’s a balancing act – and truly reflective of what you value most in your life. I am not comdemning people – men or women – who chose work over family, but I do feel sorry for them. In trying to have both, they often get neither. Choices.
And if you have’t found Prince Charming, I think you need to look at YOURSELF. I know someone who never married, ever, because no one was good enough. Expecting perfection is unrealistic. After all, YOU aren’t perfect! Expecting to find someone “close enough” and change him or her is also unrealistic and selfish. The alternative? Decide what’s REALLY important to you, focus on those characteristics, and let go of the rest.
Relationships that last take compromise, trust, and mutual growth. He will change, but not always the way you expect. And if it’s a strong relationship, YOU will change, too – and love it!
My husband adds a whole other dimension to who I am. We are alike in some ways and different in others – thank heavens! After 13 years of marriage, he has become more like me in some respects, and I like him in others. We balance each other – and he has made me a better person. I wouldn’t want to raise our children alone, though I am a strong person and could do it if I had to. He’s not perfect and never will be – neither am or will I. But he IS my Prince Charming and my knight in shining armor. And I wouldn’t chose to have it any other way.